Alucinando en barajas

The sodom rave

It was a time long past the age of joy and sorrows when the angels arrived to the Pentapolis. There aren't many accounts about the angel's heavenly knowledge of earthly lusts, so it is likely that the idea of the local townspeople ganging up for a massive rape attemp never crossed their mind. Then again, they may have been heading just for that, the gomorrah party life being known all the way from the golden gates to Dante's last hell. Nobody should have been watching, but Lot messed up the fun offering his virginal daughters i their place, and then the big guys couldnt turn a blind eye any more, for the sake of morals, respect and public health. A world where the good guy sends his daughters out for rape can't be that healthy. That was probably when god got fed up, packed his stuff, hung the 'mostly harmless' sign and left the solar system for good. Given the history of mass genocyde and floods during his management, we are probably better off.

But cheers to him on his birthday, out of puppy love complex anyway.



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Virgin

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Thank you

When the Devil came and asked what it would be

- I would trade a year of my life to sleep next to you for a night.
- It's not something you can trade.
- Damn, I was waiting for the Devil himself to show up now.
- He won't.
- I said a year but I meant anything that can't be measured. I would give anything.
- No, you wouldn't give anything. You would give away something that it wouldn't hurt you to loose.
- I would give something that it hurt me to loose. Money wouldn't, and the Devil wouldn't want it either... Do you think a year of my life wouldn't hurt? Can you think of anything I wouldn't give? Because I can't.
- You are not doing it anyway.
- You are talking to the guy who showed up at your place with a b&d to hang up your lamps.
- But you didn't.
- You told me not to.
- That is not relevant, the fact is you didn't.
- But I went there to do that.
- Yes, and you didn't.
- It's not fair, you told me you didn't want me to, you would have kicked me out if I had insisted. You scare me. Did you expect something like 'I am going to hang your damn lamps, like it or not'?
- Life isn't fair. You came to do something you didn't do.
- I went to do something you wouldn't let me do.
- That is not my problem, that's yours.
- If you tell me to do one thing and then you tell me not to... how do I know what you want?
- The important thing is that you don't know what you want.
- I wanted to do you favor, that's why I went.
- But you didn't, so maybe that's not what you wanted.
- I asked my mother's boyfriend for the DIY stuff, I took my ex's car and I went there, ready to do that, because you needed someone to do it. When I got there you told me you didn't want me to, and you know I'm an idiot and I will do whatever you tell me, because you know that, in the end, I only want to be with you. You have something I like too much and I don't know what it is and what really fucks me up is that I would go there now and install them with my teeth if you asked me to. But that wouldn't hurt either. I can't think of anything that would hurt and I could give in exchange of sleeping next to you, and that hurts.
- You just don't want it enough. If you did, you would think of something.
- I can't think of anything.
- So think, and when you do, let me know. Good night.

* * * quit (exception time out... Idle talk, child of an idle mind, begot of nothing but vain fantasy.) * * *

Snowing

I looked outside as I woke. A thin layer of snow covered everything. It was not dawn yet, so I covered myself for a little while longer deep in the blanket.

I looked at him for a second and realuzed he was half awake, watching. He put his arm around me. It felt good. It had always felt good.
- we should live together.

He didn't breathe a word.

I got up a while later.
- That was not an appropriate response, - I said. He didn't say anything.

I got dressed and told him I was leaving. He never said a word.

I don't think I will be back, to bear a greater silence than the snow, such a great distance while his arm is arround me and I wake to kisses of nothing.

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Old draft

It will come at dawn while I'm still awake. Not a smile out of rythm, not a movement out of pace. You become a gentle fact. Soft. Surrounding. Simple, calm presence that unexists towards us.


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To the far north

As he saw it, nothing could live in the far north and all that could was deadly. It had been a childhood fancy of his to hear the stories of what lay there, delightfully warm by the fire, relishing the next adventure in the story.

All worthy heroes had travellef there, to seek a kidnapped maiden, treasures, their fortune or banish the dangers beyond. The dangers were many. Storytellers spoke of slow deaths under the claws of animals never seen by anyone still living, their claws like a grown man's forearm or beasts half human half not, fearless and fearsome.

Some thought that the wild direwolves and their masters were just tales and lived in the almost far north, where it was not snow all year round and some cattle could be kept and a few things grew. There was talk of gems in the mountains and some were drawn by the story of the cousin of a friend's neighbor who was said had made his fortune.

That was what had moved his family there. At first he was devastated to hear of it, but it was true that living was hard and there they had a chance, plus their land would be truly theirs. He had sworn service, taken arms and could not leave with them.

It was not a year later when the stories began. Families disappeared in the night, not a trace of blood, but never to be heard of again. A few months later there began to be blood. Later on, farms began to burn in the middle of the night. They never found anyone, but there were tracks on the snow and voices had been heard, carried by the wind.

Now he would march there, to meet what lay beyond the far north.


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Pangu

It hapoened once upon a time, a long, long time ago, in a far away place, so far and so long ago that the world didn't exist.

In the middle of Nothing there was an egg. The egg grew over 18.000 years, maybe more, maybe less, until it broke open. Its soft parts floated away, drifted upwards, and made the sky. Its heavy bits fell and burried themselves deep, making the earth.

From inside it rose Pangu.

The skies and the earth were still young, loving and soft and Pangu had to stop them from joining together again. With all his might he kept them appart, three more meters each day, over 18.000 years, as he grew.

Once he was done, he laid down and slept.

* * * * *

For this reason and none other you must treat those you hate as if they will live forever and those you love as if they will die tomorrow.

Us, strange women, have a special, strange magnetism in these homogeneous times. Maybe its an unconscious tendency towards genetic variety for the wellbeing of the species.

I am now 28 years old and act like an idiot every day. No trial and error when everything is full of shapeless mistakes. It's the shadows who scream, helpless, on the verge of shadow's death, which is Nothing. They ask for realities, for their time, and what is and what they are becomes confusing. They take the moments of silence, they eat dreams until someone suffocates with them. They devour anything good with the bitterness of what wants to be forgotten and refuses to die, holding on and on, claiming flesh for themselves.


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Previewing

His bloodless, lifeless face turned towards him and spoke, his hoarse, thin voice coming from far beyond his empty eyes.
- Soon, all shall be as I.


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London - going

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Only the rich can afford

Near Principe Pio, Madrid.




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Nightmare 221109

The nightmares came back. When they were only raging reasoning zombis it wasn't that bad, except when I shot someone I knew because I suspected him. Guilt was overwelming. Now I dream of hunting and it's worse.

My other-father, another hunter and me-child. We were checking traps, there were curled up baby cangaroos in them. The fur was a dark grayish brown and their tails, thicker than they should have been, covered their body and faces. They looked packaged.

I was scared of the other hunter, as if he may enter a blood frenzy any second, or was already in one.

There was a kitten in one of the traps. One of his eyes was popped out, a white goo floating from his eye socket. I tried to hide him and ran off. The other hunter wasn't far back. When he reached us he threw the kitten in the air.

I was in my mother's house. Outside a storm raged and for some reason there was death out. There was just my mother and me there. I went to my room and it was full of cats and that was disastrous. Someone else was with me, we had to throw out, through the window, all the cats. This was painful but it was important we did it. We kept the kittens in. All except the kittens.

Someone found the kitten with the missing eye. It was almost dead. I was afraid it was or would be soon.

Other things happened. I couldn't feed them all, I couldn't keep them all from what happened outside, I don't know what else happened. I woke up, scared, crying, I don't know why.



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Now

Present time.




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No stairway to heavwn

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Heartfelt

- I have to be true to my heart,- he said in that exact tone of voice that sent shivers down my spine.
- That's fantastic love.
- ...that's why I'm going back with my ex.


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Out

- walk away from me, - she said, in what she must have thought her most menacing, most convincing tone. - one step closer and ill eat your eyes, scar your mouth, cut through your entrails and throw them to the dogs.

I doubted she could do it, and she knew. She also did, i hoped, as i barely moved an inch towards her.

- i mean it. I can do it. Move back. Let me go.

I knew that in a few seconds she would be gone. She would vanish like a ghost. I stood and watched her as she disappeared . It took 4 seconds. I held my breath but nothing else happened.

Now came the great silence and, maybe, a far away day in which she missed me and came back, burrying herself in me while the world around us burst like a supernova.


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All us idiots

Some people believe in the bliss of not knowing.

Few things can be more harmful than ignorance, one of them maybe my terrible spelling. Ignorance should be painful. Stupidity should cost money. Idiocy ought to cause unhappiness.

But it does.

Ignorance ought to be a sin.


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Towards the days to come

Stealing words from days past and without wanting to forbid a thing to anyone, from now on it shall never be allowed to,

Fear your memories
Not make your dreams come true
Not try to understand those around you and those far
Not have time for who needs you
Not seek happiness
Forget that this world, without you, would not be the same.

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It was almost 4 o'clock in the morning and she was calm and quiet. She hardly opened her eyes enough to let me know she was there, to say goodbye. I held her hand and spoke to her as she stopped breathing.

She left without pain and I want to believe that without sorrow. She was taken care for as best we could and not left alone for a second, until the very end.

It began to rain after she passed.

Don't forget how much we love you. You can't imagine how much we will miss you. These past days with you were not hard. Spending time with you never was, love, and nobody could complain at making sure you were as well as you could be. It's only hard now that you are not here and everything reminds me of you.

I found your old pictures, or some of them. I'm sure there are more around. There is a lovely one of you holding Mike when he was a baby. There are others. You look happy in all of them. The nurses said you managed to outjoke the doctors. It's the sort of thing you would do, of course. I also found your button box. There are not two alike, my love. What are we going to do with you? I also found pictures of you with Nelly and with your father. Postcards sent to your mum, postcards from my parents in Iran. My father's school things. I cried when I heard him playing your music box.

I'm taking your picture, the black and white one where you can't be over 20. It's going to be next to the one of my other grandmother. I'll keep Nelly's picture too. And the radio you got for your dad when he went blind and that he used to carry about and you still have, that one is moving from your kitchen to mine. The Children's enciclopedia will also come. Mike still remembers his grandad tearing off the pages to write down his bets and how long you had to save and how hard you worked to get it for him.

I know they are just things and they are not important, but I can't bear the thought of loosing them after you took care of them for so many years, with so much affection.

I am happy I could be with you during your last days. I feel relieved I could make sure that you didn't find yourself alone and that you had all you needed. I miss you now and will miss you always. It takes all sorts to make a world but you were amongst my favourite.

Mane, Tecel, Fares

Otro relato cuenta que cierto príncipe o algún otro, vio en el tejado de su palacio a unos extraños seres que, al interrogarles, le dijero que buscaban camellos. "¿Camellos por los tejados? Qué locura". "¿Eres tú más cuerdo buscando a Dios desde el trono?"

Cuenta la Biblia v0.73b que Baltasar, en una de las múltiples orgías con sus cortesanos, hizo traer los vasos sagrados de los israelitas para profanarlos. No sé muy bien cómo ni si esto fue antes o después de que Zoroastro naciera riendo, en mitad de la alegría universal. El caso es que se oyó un gran estruendo y en la pared del palacio aparecieron gravadas a fuego tres palabras: Mane, Tecel, Fares.

Consultó a magos, adivinos, nigromantes y telepizzeros, pero ninguno supo dar una traducción acertada. Entonces Baltasar ordenó a Daniel que viniera, y una vez en su presencia se sintió algo borde y dijo:Mane quiere decir yo cuento, Tecel yo peso y Fares escaso. Dios ha pesado tus acciones y te ha hallado escaso. Tus días y tu reino están contados, socio.

Aquella noche, Ciro desvió el cauce del río Éufrates con 500gr de explosivos y fue acogido como liberatador en mitad de los Jardines Flotantes. Una vez más, triunfó el terrorismo sobre el estado metrosexual y Ahura Mazda se descojonaba mientras esperaba que terminasen los tres mil años de Ahrimán.

* * * * *

Another storry tells that a certain prince or another saw strange beings on his palace roofs who, when interrogated, told him they were looking for camels. 'Camels on the roofs? It is madness.' 'Are you any more sane looking for God from the throne?'

The Bible v0.73b tells that Belshazzar, in one of his multiple orgies with his courtesans, asked for the sacred israeli vessels to be brought to him to profane them. I don't really know how or if this was before or after Zoroaster was born laughing, amongst universal happiness. The thing is that they heard a great racket and three words appeared engraved on the palace walls: Mane, Tecel, Fares.

He consulted mages, fortune tellers, necromancers and delivery boys, but none could find an accurate translation. Thus Belshazzar ordered Daniel to come and once upon his presence he got moody and said, 'Mane means I count, Tecel I weigh and Fares, scarce. God has weighed your actions and found you scarce. Your days and your kingdome are done with, kid.'

That night, Ciro desvio the cauce of the Ephrates with 500gr of explosives and was greeted as a libertador in the middle of the Hanging Gardens. Once again, terrorism triumphed over the metrosexual state and Ahura Mazga laughed his ass off while he waited for the three thousand years of Ahriman to finish.

Traslation to be thoroughly polished and spellchecked.

Famished Road

In the beginning there was a river. The river became a road and the road branched out to the whole world. And because the road was once a river it was always hungry. In that land of beginnings spirits mingled with the unborn. We could assume numerous forms. Many of us were birds. We knew no boundaries. There was much feasting, playing and sorrowing. We feasted much because of the beautiful terrors of eternity. We played much because we were free. And we borrowed much because there were always those amongst us who had just returned from the world of the living. They had returned inconsolable for all the love they had left behind, all the suffering they hadn't redeemed, all that they hadn't understood, and for all that they had barely begun to learn before they were drawn back to the land of origins.

They had returned inconsolable for all the love they had left behind, all the suffering they hadn't redeemed, all that they hadn't understood, and for all that they had barely begun to learn before they were drawn back to the land of origins.

There were not one amongst us who looked forward to being born. We disliked the rigours of existence, the unfulfilled longings, the enshrined injustices of the world, the labyrinths of love, the ignorance of parents, the fact of dying, and the amazing indifference of the Living in the midst of simple beauties of the universe. We feared the heartlessness of human beings, all of whom are born blind, few of whom ever learn to see.

I think she's having a nightmare. I'm afraid of her being awake, wondering what's wrong, trapped inside her own body, feeling scared.

I don't know if she is trying to say something or having a hard time breathing. She can't open her eyes any more and I just can't tell. She shakes now and then. She didn't talk today. She may have had famous last words, 'I want my eggs and bacon', by Lilian McGowan. I would love to chat with her again but, at this point, it's not only and unrealistic thought, it is also a selfish one.

Irene, one of the nurses, says this can take days. The body hardly needs anything, it's like hibernating, so it can survive a long time before her time comes. She also spoke about the brain producing endorphins in these stages.

I hope she is, blissfully high and happy and without pain.

Not an inch away, not a second

The moving finger writes, and having writ, moves on.

Nor all thy piety nor wit shall lure it back to cancel half a line

nor all your tears wash out a single word of it.

- Someone wrote from a persian original -

When there is nothing to be done, the only thing you can do is try not to make it worse. She doesn't eat, she won't drink, she can't talk, she only sleeps. Most people wish to go in their sleep, and usually death does take us that way. Nurse says it's part of the process. When the body shuts down and will not work any more, when it doesn't want to be part of this world any more, no more of us does until none of us remains in it.

My grandmother is dying as I sit next to her. Her breath is shallow and I keep listening in case it stops. I can't give her water because she can't swallow any more and even if I did, her body won't process it. She is dying and there is nothing to do about it. She is dying and there are no tablets to give her to make her better and no injections that will make her come back. The only thing we can do is try and stop the pain and tell her, when she comes round, that we are here, that we love her, that above all, we love her.

I tell her not to be scared, I am here, right next to her and I will not take my eyes away. She will not be alone for a second and I'll make sure she feels no pain if I can help it. I'll take care of you, love. I know you are here. I am not going anywhere until you do.

You are missed but in my thoughts. In my thoughts you are still joking and laughing and you bake pies and teach me how to knit. You roll your own cigarettes and do your crosswords. You are old, not senile and we know it well, my love. I remember you and wherever you go, don't forget I'm staying right here with you, not a step away, until you don't need me any more.